Hi, yes I know I haven't blogged in over a year....we have had quite the year!!!! It has been a whirlwind that includes many wonderful stories I plan to share with you all, including; digging post holes, working cattle, building our house, pregnancies, engagements, moving permanently to the ranch, wrangling baby bunnies, and so much more.....but today will be a little different.
Typically this blog is a silly, light-hearted story of a girl who is learning and loving the transition to moving to Priddy Ranch off some highway in Texas but today I wanted to share what this last year has brought to my family, my life, my story. I debated on writing this post but after many prayers (and reluctance of stepping out of my comfort zone) ...here it is. The way I see it if this helps just one family, just one woman, just one man....it did it's purpose!
{Confession: I started this post at least 9 months ago & I am just now finishing it - see I told you it has been hard to write this}
On this day 1 year ago, It as an exciting morning, not knowing what to expect but knowing that Matt and I would be sharing the best news ever with our parents/friends that night. We had kept a wonderful secret that was all ours from March 6th of last year until this day.....March 31st. It was the day we would get to see our baby.....the day our lives would change forever.
It was supposed to be a happy day, a day that we would never forget....happy, it was not, a day we won't forget, yes. As we sat in the sonogram room and the technician said, "I'm afraid I have bad news, I can't find a heart beat", our lives changed all over again. It was all a blur after that, before we knew it, I was registering for surgery the next morning and calling our parents with terrible news instead of the wonderful news we were hoping to share that day. As I woke up on April 1st, also Duke's (our dog child's) birthday, I kept thinking this was some cruel April Fool's Joke, but as we came home that afternoon reality set in. I was no longer pregnant, I was no longer counting days and making sure I ate every 3 hours for the baby, I was no longer "glowing".
Of course the "first trimester scare" was there, after all that's why you keep it a secret, right? Well that scare became a reality for us on this day one year ago.
Since that dreadful day, I have learned so much, grown so much, loved & been loved so much.
Most do not talk about a miscarriage, most keep quiet and mourn all alone. Most try to forget about the surgery, the dark day, the sonogram that didn't have a heart beat, the day you realized your world just changed in a way you could have never imagined. But, I am not most and My God is greater than the miscarriage, the loss, the sadness. I have prayed long and hard about what I should learn from this trial in my life, what purpose could come from the loss of a child, what do other families do when this happens?
You see, nothing usually happens. Nothing is said. Nothing is done. Yes, quiet prayers in Christian homes. Yes, crying and lots of it. Questions of why, how, and what is to come. But no community of prayer, no funeral, no support outside of your immediate circle. It's lonely, it's quiet, it's hard to understand, it's miserable. I feel led to stop the isolation, to stop the secrets, to stop the guilt of miscarriage. I didn't want to write this, I still don't want to but this is just like the day I gave my life to Christ. I was pulled to the front of the Church to share with my family of fellow believers that I had just made the best decision of my life. Today, Jesus pulled me to the front, He made me step out and share what I have learned over the last year.
Talk about it. You aren't alone, you aren't the first, it's not your fault. When I began talking about what happened, there were so many "I did too.", "My sister had one.", "We lost a baby, too.". Not that it makes your loss any easier but you aren't alone anymore, others made it through this and are now on the other side. You need the prayers, you need the support, you need the love. I was lucky enough to be in a devotional group with friends to get through the grief, the loss, and the uncertainty. I was so blessed with these wonderful ladies for an 8 week study. We learned a lot about each other, about grief, and compassion/sympathy to those going through infertility and infant loss. The most important thing we learned during that time was we were all Moms. You become mothers when your heart is ready to be a Mom. You may be pregnant with your first child, you may be longing for your first child, you may be mourning the loss of a child, but YOU ARE STILL A MOTHER.
Don't forget about those Daddies. I knew I married a strong, independent, and supportive (not to forget, extremely handsome) man but in the several hours, weeks, and months after our tragedy; I learned even more about his compassion, his strength, and his love for me. He was my rock, my shoulder to cry on and with, my prayer warrior, a hand to hold when I could not sleep at night, he was my everything during those dreadful days and months. We cried, we laughed, we kept busy but we still talked about our baby. We prayed for our baby, for ourselves, and for others that may be or will go through what we went through. Those that actually know about the loss of pregnancy forget that the Dad losses just as much. No, his body did not change, he did not have the morning sickness, the fatigue, and the constant trips to the bathroom (well if you know my husband, he makes bathroom trips just as much, maybe more than a pregnant woman) but he did have the excitement of becoming a father, the joy of his son/daughter growing in his wife, and constant prayers for the health and safety of his baby. He lost that day too. So, don't forget about those wonderful Daddies when you are hurting.
But oh what a difference a year makes.....today as I type this I am 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy. I have had an extremely healthy pregnancy and I feel good. He is kicking and stretching and reminding me that life is within me. A year ago it was a dark and unhappy day but today as I look around the room life is everywhere, happiness is everywhere, JOY is within me. My God was and is bigger than my grief. I long to meet my sweet baby in Heaven but I am so thankful for the sweet blessing of life my Lord has blessed me with today. I know that The Lord has given His children to us for a little while to raise in His image for His purpose.
I found this today as I logged in to start my blogging life again. It took my breath away that I didn't post this that day (3/31/16)....let's blame it on pregnancy brain?!?! Today, I am trying to keep my healthy 1 year old from kicking my computer out of my lap as I type, still overwhelmed with the love my Lord has for me. Until the next post....praying for all those Mommas and Daddies that have loved and lost, are praying for miracles, and loving on their sweet miracles today.
Typically this blog is a silly, light-hearted story of a girl who is learning and loving the transition to moving to Priddy Ranch off some highway in Texas but today I wanted to share what this last year has brought to my family, my life, my story. I debated on writing this post but after many prayers (and reluctance of stepping out of my comfort zone) ...here it is. The way I see it if this helps just one family, just one woman, just one man....it did it's purpose!
{Confession: I started this post at least 9 months ago & I am just now finishing it - see I told you it has been hard to write this}
On this day 1 year ago, It as an exciting morning, not knowing what to expect but knowing that Matt and I would be sharing the best news ever with our parents/friends that night. We had kept a wonderful secret that was all ours from March 6th of last year until this day.....March 31st. It was the day we would get to see our baby.....the day our lives would change forever.
It was supposed to be a happy day, a day that we would never forget....happy, it was not, a day we won't forget, yes. As we sat in the sonogram room and the technician said, "I'm afraid I have bad news, I can't find a heart beat", our lives changed all over again. It was all a blur after that, before we knew it, I was registering for surgery the next morning and calling our parents with terrible news instead of the wonderful news we were hoping to share that day. As I woke up on April 1st, also Duke's (our dog child's) birthday, I kept thinking this was some cruel April Fool's Joke, but as we came home that afternoon reality set in. I was no longer pregnant, I was no longer counting days and making sure I ate every 3 hours for the baby, I was no longer "glowing".
Of course the "first trimester scare" was there, after all that's why you keep it a secret, right? Well that scare became a reality for us on this day one year ago.
Since that dreadful day, I have learned so much, grown so much, loved & been loved so much.
Most do not talk about a miscarriage, most keep quiet and mourn all alone. Most try to forget about the surgery, the dark day, the sonogram that didn't have a heart beat, the day you realized your world just changed in a way you could have never imagined. But, I am not most and My God is greater than the miscarriage, the loss, the sadness. I have prayed long and hard about what I should learn from this trial in my life, what purpose could come from the loss of a child, what do other families do when this happens?
You see, nothing usually happens. Nothing is said. Nothing is done. Yes, quiet prayers in Christian homes. Yes, crying and lots of it. Questions of why, how, and what is to come. But no community of prayer, no funeral, no support outside of your immediate circle. It's lonely, it's quiet, it's hard to understand, it's miserable. I feel led to stop the isolation, to stop the secrets, to stop the guilt of miscarriage. I didn't want to write this, I still don't want to but this is just like the day I gave my life to Christ. I was pulled to the front of the Church to share with my family of fellow believers that I had just made the best decision of my life. Today, Jesus pulled me to the front, He made me step out and share what I have learned over the last year.
Talk about it. You aren't alone, you aren't the first, it's not your fault. When I began talking about what happened, there were so many "I did too.", "My sister had one.", "We lost a baby, too.". Not that it makes your loss any easier but you aren't alone anymore, others made it through this and are now on the other side. You need the prayers, you need the support, you need the love. I was lucky enough to be in a devotional group with friends to get through the grief, the loss, and the uncertainty. I was so blessed with these wonderful ladies for an 8 week study. We learned a lot about each other, about grief, and compassion/sympathy to those going through infertility and infant loss. The most important thing we learned during that time was we were all Moms. You become mothers when your heart is ready to be a Mom. You may be pregnant with your first child, you may be longing for your first child, you may be mourning the loss of a child, but YOU ARE STILL A MOTHER.
Don't forget about those Daddies. I knew I married a strong, independent, and supportive (not to forget, extremely handsome) man but in the several hours, weeks, and months after our tragedy; I learned even more about his compassion, his strength, and his love for me. He was my rock, my shoulder to cry on and with, my prayer warrior, a hand to hold when I could not sleep at night, he was my everything during those dreadful days and months. We cried, we laughed, we kept busy but we still talked about our baby. We prayed for our baby, for ourselves, and for others that may be or will go through what we went through. Those that actually know about the loss of pregnancy forget that the Dad losses just as much. No, his body did not change, he did not have the morning sickness, the fatigue, and the constant trips to the bathroom (well if you know my husband, he makes bathroom trips just as much, maybe more than a pregnant woman) but he did have the excitement of becoming a father, the joy of his son/daughter growing in his wife, and constant prayers for the health and safety of his baby. He lost that day too. So, don't forget about those wonderful Daddies when you are hurting.
But oh what a difference a year makes.....today as I type this I am 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy. I have had an extremely healthy pregnancy and I feel good. He is kicking and stretching and reminding me that life is within me. A year ago it was a dark and unhappy day but today as I look around the room life is everywhere, happiness is everywhere, JOY is within me. My God was and is bigger than my grief. I long to meet my sweet baby in Heaven but I am so thankful for the sweet blessing of life my Lord has blessed me with today. I know that The Lord has given His children to us for a little while to raise in His image for His purpose.
I found this today as I logged in to start my blogging life again. It took my breath away that I didn't post this that day (3/31/16)....let's blame it on pregnancy brain?!?! Today, I am trying to keep my healthy 1 year old from kicking my computer out of my lap as I type, still overwhelmed with the love my Lord has for me. Until the next post....praying for all those Mommas and Daddies that have loved and lost, are praying for miracles, and loving on their sweet miracles today.
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